Whilst none of the above may actually happen without the aid of chloroform, using the site to sell my alcohol soaked organs, or a sizeable readership, I will trudge on regardless.
So with that in mind, allow me to introduce you to John’s top 5 shitty films:
Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy (1990)
What more could you possibly want to bypass, than a film featuring a horde of gun-toting sociopathic lesbian nurses, whose sexually depraved lifestyle has lead them into a rut? Perhaps one where said sociopaths find new sexual thrills in soaking their hands in the carcasses of their victims and all in name of their newly born messiah – a baby featuring a highly defined birthmark, resembling the face of Elvis Presley!
This cracked gem with dung filled centre comes to you from those purveyors of twisted taste at the house of Troma. It is a monument to bad taste, insane and drug aided writers everywhere, and the pursuit of ugly.
Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy is an odd film indeed and a masterpiece in both cult and unhinged ridiculousness.
Lord of the Flies (1990)
I struggle with this piece of rubbish, I truly do. Unlike Maniac Nurses, this bad boy actually makes me ill. Not just an uncomfortable pang; no I mean that I want to throw my head between my legs and shout a liquid brainbow onto the floor in protest at this particular bastard of a flick.
Golding wrote a tremendous piece in the examination of unchecked human nature and emotion in Lord of the Flies. Prior film treatments of the book have latched onto the psychological ride that Golding produced, and gave it life in a new medium with subtle changes. This flick however twists intention and skews result, producing an ectopic film birth of horrific proportions. The characters are underdeveloped, poorly directed and the story serves only to extract a horrified, repulsed or irritated responses from the viewer. Piggy’s role and the conclusion of the film are perhaps the most irritating elements of all.
Viewing this film is akin to paying to ride a ghost train, only that instead of a few laughs and maybe slight shocks (if any), you instead are sprayed with tepid sickness, spit and verbal abuse before being beaten on your way out the door.
Love Story (1970)
Do you like TV movies? How about those ones that seem to pop up all the time, mid-week, where a child is dying, has gone missing, fallen down a well, lovers find they are siblings or two sets of parents find that their 10 year old children were accidentally switched at birth?
If you answered yes, you need to CLICK HERE
If you answered no, read on..
Love Story is a film geared toward tearing at the heart strings and turning you into a blubbering marionette, wanting to be fucked, loved and kept in a little cage forever and ever. Love, loss, more loss and an overbearing slice of melodramatic, aurally raping theme music are all here and in quantity. Ryan O’Neil and Ali MacGraw (no relation to the horse) are mere saccharine pawns playing out a modified and heavily diluted Shakespearian tragedy where as you know – who dares, gets screwed.
A lot of people love this film. A lot of people should consider swimming in chummed water.
Game of Death (1978)
Bruce Lee was an amazing individual, whose creativity and intelligence matched his physical prowess. If ever an individual was deserving of the label of polymath, Lee was it. Writer, dancer, author, martial arts genius, choreographer, director, philosopher, the list went on and on, unlike the man himself.
Released following Lee’s death, this posthumous title is an abhorrent butchering of art, which was rushed into cinemas to cash in on the death of a legend.
The original premise for Game of Death was a simple one. Lee would make his way to the top of a pagoda, fighting a different guardian at each level, each trained in a different fighting discipline, before ultimately confronting the ultimate challenge at the top.
The first release of this film had none of that. Only a few brief scenes that were shot for Game of Death by Bruce Lee made their way into this first edition, with those supplemented by stock footage and a stand in with a propensity for poorly developed mimicry. The film is unrecognisable from that which was originally intended. Do yourself a favour, and watch the original footage as it was intended, and not as part of this monstrosity.
Passion in the Desert (1997)
If you’ve ever wanted to watch a French soldier during the Napoleonic campaign in Egypt, grooming a lioness ever so passionately, with his tongue - here’s your chance. I’ve never read the original story by Balzac, but one would hope that it made more sense than this film did. I’m not sure that even the most avid fan of bestiality or French desert escapades would enjoy this. But hey, if you’re a Francophile/zoophile and have an opinion here, by all means tell someone else!